Oh god, why am I doing this?
Every time my nervous babble came out of the speaker, I cringed. I sound like a fucking moron, I add nothing to the conversation, my stabs in the dark at humor fail, and why do I sound so god damn nervous?
For real, it sounds like I’m sitting down there with two KGB’s instead of my two awesomely kind nerd-sherpas. As fate would have it, the more nervous I get the more my brain shuts off until the point where the only words it knows are the once that start with “ummmmmm”. The major goal I set for myself walking into this was to not sound stupid. And that goal got piss in its face my friends. A nice full glass of hot failure piss. Now I’m sitting here, thinking about calling up Robb and Joe and telling them they need a new N00b. I am the weak link in this otherwise charming start to a show. I’m going to pull all of this down. I’m just not smart enough.
I’m just not smart enough.
A ruling expressed to me in different forms in my few past attempts at entering the nerdy type community. The memories are still so clear.
My older brother and his group of friends mocking me and I desperately trying to figure out how to make the screen go where I wanted to look in Halo and not at the spinning ground. Then finally after falling off a tower and killing myself for the tenth time having someone take the controller from me and explain, “Come on, it’s really not that hard.”
The Ex who after spending hours trying to teach me informed me I was “too stupid to learn D&D”, handed me a bottle of wine, and told me to just sit there, watch, and look pretty.
Being told as I was entering middle school I might be ‘ok’ at science now, but as the female brain develops it’s better suited for English, art, and the more creative endeavors, so I should pick my electives accordingly.
None of these moments may sound horrible in themselves. But a life time of that, and you start to feel inferior. You start avoiding things you want to try, because of the fear of looking like less. In a world that puts so much pressure on you to always present yourself at your best, why the fuck would you ever put yourself in a situation where you have weaknesses? Even now that I have found a group of nerds that have embraced me with hugs and cookies, I still have that fear of coming off as stupid, because I’m afraid once I do, I’ll lose their friendship. Which is silly, because I know on a logical level these are some of the most accepting people I’ve met in my life, but emotionally I still have these fears.
And you know what? I can’t be the only one out there that feels this way. I can’t be the only person out there who, for some reason or another, has had the gate to Geekdom blocked by some assholes. And as much as I don’t want to play the sexism card, I have this odd hunch that many of these people are women. Just saying. It makes me a little sick to think there’s this group of people out there missing out on all this great geeky fun. Missing out on these fantastic things because they don’t feel like they have a good enough knowledge on it to not look like an ass.
You know, as I type this out it’s becoming more and more clear to me why I am doing this, and why I need to keep doing it. If I have to feel stupid from time to time to let others know, “Hey it’s ok to say the wrong thing! People will not make you feel bad for it, in fact, they will help you understand it better! There are not always mean nerds.” I’m totally willing to take that one for team N00b, but more so I’m doing this because I want to. I want to learn.
I want to be nerd.